A Tribute to Mom

Like so many people, I want to take time to focus on my mom and why she is so special to me.  This woman has been through far more than any person should have to go through.  You name it.  Divorce, abuse, multiple moves across country, new jobs, difficult teenagers, etc.  She has not had an easy life.  Yet through it all, I saw a woman who undoubtedly loved her kids.  She always did what she thought was best for us.  She fed, clothed, and housed us.  As an adult and mom now, I can see how much she truly did for us.  And you know what?  I think she did a mighty fine job!

As if Mom had not been put through enough in her life, she got to experience something no parent should EVER have to.  She was by my side all through my cancer treatments.  I can't comprehend how she must have felt.  I'm sure as a parent all you want to do is take the pain from your child.  I know I would for the boys.  She and Steven ran the house, took care of the boys, and took care of me.  We would have been lost without her!

So fast forward a year or so.  My mom has had several breast biopsies and even a lumpectomy.  So far, all tests have come back clear.  With my cancer and her mother's breast cancer, she is obviously at very high risk.  Several months ago she met with the breast surgeon at Vanderbilt to go over her risk and options.  The doctor agreed that she was at very high risk and presented her with several options.  All were life altering in one way or another.  She came away from this meeting with a hard decision to make.  She could not do anything and have a very good chance of getting breast cancer.  She could take drugs for 5+ years and reduce the risk some.  Or, she could have bilateral mastectomies and reconstruction and significantly reduce the risk.  After meeting with the plastic surgeon, lots of prayer, and research, she has decided to have the mastectomies and expanders.  (info) I fully support her decision and believe I would do the same thing.  She is young, healthy, and has a great job with plenty of time off.  We just couldn't imagine having to go through cancer again, just with her instead of me.  We think being proactive is best in this situation.

The surgery is scheduled for this Monday, May 14th at Vanderbilt.  She will be out of work for a while and I will be back and forth to Nashville to help.

Mom, I am so proud of you.  I'm proud of who you're becoming as you grow in your relationship with our Lord.  He truly is enough.  I can't begin to thank you for everything you've done for me and continue to do for my family.  What I can do is help take care of you now.  I don't ever want you to go through what I did.  I love you dearly.  God's got this!!

No hope

"But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.  I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.  Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life." {Isaiah 43:1-4 ESV}


After reading this passage in Isaiah, I just cannot comprehend why people think they cannot trust their life to God.  Did He not knit you in your mother's womb?  Do you think He doesn't know who you are?  He knows the number of hairs on your head!  Trust me, He knows YOU.  The thing is, do YOU know Him?  Like, not just know of Him and say a little prayer every now and then.  Do you have a relationship with Him and can't imagine life without Him?


It hit me again tonight how lost our world is.  When talking with other cancer survivors, it so evident who is a Christian and who isn't.  I can see some people trying to "think good thoughts" or "have a positive outlook" and everything will be ok.  The thing is, they have no real hope!  I couldn't get through a single day without the knowledge that God is taking care of me and already knows my future.  He knows the day I will die.  He knew what would happen in September 2010.  He knows what is best for me and I trust Him.  Do you know how much freedom that gives me?!  Why should I constantly worry about my health?  I can just lay that burden on God and let Him take care of it.  Sure, I take the burden back often, but it is much too heavy for me to bear on my own.


So many people have commented in the past about how "strong" I've been.  It's not true.  God has been strong for me.  I have nothing left.  Cancer, school, finances, job issues, twins, etc. has taken everything and more out of me.  If I actually let my mind think and worry about these things I feel so hopeless and confused.  Why, God?  WHY? Then I do the only thing I know to do; give it back to Him.  He knows.  He hears me.  He cares.  And you know what?  He's all I need.

reality check

Today a friend died. She was a sister in Christ and a sister in breast cancer. She was much too young. I call her my friend even though we never met. I know many of her close friends and know that they were blessed to call her friend. Today has been a reality check. I try not to think about a cancer reoccurence but it is reality. I don't let myself think about all the what ifs. There are just too many. But, when I think about leaving my family and how that would affect them, I cant handle it. I prayed for 2 things for me today that ive never done before. First, I prayed for just 10 more years. In the cancer world, that's a long time! Then I decided I couldn't handle that thought. So, I asked God to please just come before He decides to take me. Its a much happier and bearable thought. Tara, I will meet you one day. I bet you're in heaven painting pink rooms in all of our mansions while you're waiting on the rest of us. I will pray for your kids and husband. I will gladly continue to listen to stories about you. I'm glad you are now well and in peace. In Him, Val **pardon the typos. I'm trying to type this on a kindle fire and its not going so well!

Lots of changes...

So many changes lately and so many to come.  Let me try to summarize the past year to catch you up.


2011
Feb - last chemo treatment
June - boys' 3rd birthday
August - Steven restarted nursing school
September - 1st cancerversary
October - last Herceptin infusion
November - my 29th birthday
December - Steven passed 3rd semester nursing and moves on to his last semester
 -best Christmas ever with the boys
January 2012 - Logan and I flew to Michigan for my grandmother's funeral
- approval of a very important surgery (more to come...)


While 2011 had many good days, it was a hard year.  Chemo recovery is not for the weak.  I still don't think I've found my "new normal" and I'm almost a year out. Fatigue is by far my biggest issue.  At least one day a week I crash and sleep a good chunk of the day.  If I'm not sleeping or resting, I'm thinking about it.  I can't keep up with my house and that's frustrating.  There are all these things I feel like I "should" be able to do and I just can't.  That's a hard thing to adjust to, especially as a young wife and mom.


Steven starting school back was a blessing, but also a very hard time.  The adjustment to him being gone so much is just not easy for any of us.  He is tired and stressed, naturally.  By the grace of God, he will graduate in May with his RN.  This semester is still really tough so pray for him.  Satan definitely attacks him during testing.  That is by far his biggest struggle.


The boys are doing great.  They are most certainly living it up being 3-year-old boys.  They are both in school at the Chambliss Children's Home and doing great.  They are in separate classes across the hall from each other so they still get to see each other often and play in the gym or outside together. Oftentimes they start out in the same class together and the teachers will separate them after breakfast.  It makes Mommy leaving a lot easier on everyone.


Logan weighs 36lbs now and is Mr. Independent.  He is so strong, both physically and willed!  His mouth never quits talking and he is VERY protective of his brother.  He and Luke can fight all day long but don't you mess with Luke!


Luke weighs 42lbs and is wearing new "big boy" glasses.  I have a feeling we will be replacing them often!  He is sensitive and gentle most of the time, really just a big teddy bear like his daddy.  Luke is in weekly occupational and physical therapy for a few different things.  He has poor muscle tone and that affects so much.  His fine-motor skills are poor but consistently improving with therapy!  We firmly believe he has Inattentive ADHD, just like Steven.  He hasn't been officially diagnosed and can't be for a few more years but it's interesting to alter methods with him and watch him respond.  It is a constant challenge and especially frustrating for those who don't understand (me!), but we're aware and working on the patience part of it.


My "plans" for my next surgery sometimes feel like they're changing on a daily basis.  Initially, I was going to have a TRAM flap reconstruction, prophylactic mastectomy, and port removal this past December.  Well, in talking with the plastic surgeon, we decided it was not in my best interest to do the reconstruction at this point.  He is fearful that because of my weight, the results may not be as good.  I agree with his decision.  So, that leads to losing weight!  Problem is, I've never had any success at that and now my post-chemo body is especially fighting back.  Enter discussions about weight loss surgery.  After lots of doctor appointments, talks with Steven, and prayer, we decided to pursue the gastric sleeve surgery for me.  After fighting with insurance for about 6 weeks, it is now approved and scheduled for Feb. 13! I'm sure many people will want to know why.  Why such a drastic procedure after everything you've gone through?  The answer is exactly that.  I have been through SO much.  All that I desperately desire is to be healthy again.  This means physically & emotionally.  By losing the weight I will reduce my risk of cancer reoccurrence, lower my blood pressure, and greatly reduce my issues from PCOS that I have.  I want to be able to play with the boys, run, jump, climb, and wrestle on the floor.  I want to be around to see them graduate high school and beyond.  This is not just about a weight thing.  It is about hitting the reset button on my life.  This is about changing the way our family thinks about food.  This is to protect the boys from future obesity.  Health.  That's what this is about.


Gastric Sleeve Procedure 


What do I need from you?  Prayer.  Support.  Encouragement.  I cannot do this alone.  What I don't need are enablers, discouragers, drama, and gossip.  Do I want to hear the story about your uncle's cousin who had failed surgery?  Frankly, no.  I've done my research and am not going back.  Steven and I treasure those who will come alongside us and support our family through more life changes.  Ever since we had the boys, Steven and I joke that Steven Curtis Chapman wrote the theme song for our lives.  


The Great Adventure
"Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze
Through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace
Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown
This is a life like no other - this is The Great Adventure"

Alone

The first "cancerversary" has hit me hard.  I've been in a sort of "denial" for the past year and it's hard to keep going.  I have yet to really deal with the fact that I have breast cancer.  How am I supposed to deal with it when I'm only 28, have 2 small children, and no one to relate to?  I got the courage for the first time last night to go to a "Young" Survivors meeting.  I was the youngest easily by 15 years or so.  While it was a great meeting, I was really frustrated after.  I felt like my only hope of meeting someone like me was over. Why?  Why me?  That's what I'm really starting to ask.  Why in the world does God think I'm strong enough to get through this?  Our family is continually pounded with one thing after another. There's no end in sight.  Steven is still trying to get through school. We really feel like this is where God wants him so WHY?  Why does it seem impossible?!  Between now and the end of the year, I have to have 2 surgeries and Steven 1.  Plus, Luke is now getting evaluated for occupational therapy.  Sickness has loomed over our house for the past week.  Can you tell I'm just over it right now?

Frankly, at times, I just really feel like life sucks.  Marriage is hard.  Communicating effectively is harder.  Young kids are hard.  3-year-old twin boys are harder!  Cancer sucks. Being such a young survivor I really just feel like a spectacle sometimes.  Most of the time I really try to use the attention in a positive way.  Advocacy is huge.  But a lot of times, I just want to be me.  I'm not sure who that is anymore but I'd love to find out.  I'm proud to be a Survivor.  I feel like I need people to know I'm a survivor.  It helps to explain the lack of energy, crazy hair, lack of brain cells, etc.  I've been out of chemo now for 7 months.  I still feel like an old woman.  Lazy, forgetful, absent minded, moody, hot flashes, limping, etc.  I can't wear cute shoes because my feet, ankles, legs, hips, and back feel like they're falling apart.  I have trouble finding shirts that work with a granny bra and prosthesis.  Not to mention most plus size clothes are granny anyway!

I get so tired sometimes of people.  Keep the faith!  Don't give up!  God won't give you more than you can handle.  You're strong, you can do this.  I don't know how you do it.  And on and on...  I know it's positive but it's also so cheesy.  Am I not allowed to me mad?  Grumpy?  Emotional?  Just because I'm a Christian am I supposed to be happy all the time because I'm trusting God?  I've put on a happy face long enough.  I'm just plain tired of being fake.

I don't even know where to start to really "deal" with cancer and the effects it's had on my family.  I have so many other issues I already need to work through.  This mountain just seems impossible to climb.  Counseling is a great thought.  Problem though, it costs money.  So does chemo.  Considering we owe thousands in medical bills already, counseling is just not happening.  So instead, here I sit at the computer.  Over-tired, emotional, desperate.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Oh wait, it's Steven and my 9th anniversary.  We'll celebrate by me taking care of a sick kid and him working. Then we'll both go to bed and drift off to sleep playing on our phones.  Just the way I always pictured.

**I know I'm down right now.  BUT, I also know how incredibly blessed I am and how awesome God is.  There are also so many positive things about how cancer has impacted my life.  So many awesome people I've met along the way.  Maybe another day I can share the positive of cancer.  Today's just not one of those days.

1st Cancerversary

This is a video of my journey of the past year.  It starts with our vacation the weekend before diagnosis.

Lots o' videos!

Several glimpses into what our life looks like.  One word - Crazy!  Ok two words - Crazy fun!